Generally we feel that the more strong our Attachment is with other person more strong is our Relationship with that person, but in reality Attachment is not a Relationship.
Attachment always comes with fear. Fear of losing other person, fear of losing acceptance of other person, fear of decrement of feeling in other person for us. Attachment always demands a lot. When our demands are not fulfilled we get hurt and want other person to fulfill our demands on any cost. Attachment generates fear, hatred, jealousy and many other unfulfillable feelings in us, which makes us unhappy and we start making plans to become happy again in which we make others unhappy. We may not be aware of this negative side of attachment but yes it is there! It just need to be looked into. Attachment and Relationship can not go together.
Even a slight variation in feeling of other person hurts us. Attachment is nothing but dependence of our feeling for other person on other person’s behavior, feelings and thinking towards us. It is a kind of dependence. As soon as other person’s behavior, thinking, perception, feeling towards us shakes we get hurt. Our feeling for other person is always uncertain in this case. We always have a fear of uncertainty of other person’s feeling towards us. We always keep trying to ensure continuity of feeling of assurance in other person for us, so that we are secure, we are happy, we feel related, we feel good. We are always disturbed about the uncertainty of other person’s feeling, thinking towards us, we are always in fear. Fear and feeling of Relationship can not go together. In some cases we see that this Attachment in us become so strong that when other person remains no longer same with us as he/she was before we are ready to even kill that person.
At the first place the question which comes is, why do we get Attached?
A human being by birth has this expectation of living with Happiness. He wants certainty, consistency and continuity of happiness. Due to lack of understanding of what Happiness is and how it can be ensured he searches, expects and tries to ensure its continuity in those things where it can not be ensured. Expectation of Happiness in a thing which can not ensure its Certainty, Consistency and Continuity is called Attachment.
A human being wants to live with Trust (Resolution in all the dimensions) in himself. This expectation of living with Trust in him is ever actively present. Trust in the Self is Happiness. Due to lack of Understanding of Trust in a human being his Trust in himself is dependent on others Trust in himself, his position, his money and things associated with him.Due to lack of understanding of this trust only he expects unconditional acceptance from others around. Acceptance of others around remains basis of the feeling of trust in himself.This dependence of this feeling of Trust in him on these things is what is called Attachment and this is the problem of all the human problems. Due to lack of understanding of Happiness and Trust only he expects consistency in others feelings, thinking, behavior towards him and when that is not ensured he gets hurt and then wants to hurt others.
Trust is understanding of one’s absolute value in oneself.
Due to lack of understanding of one’s own value in oneself one recognizes it with the help of others perception towards him, his position, his money, his bodily beauty, his power, his status, his intellect and many other aspects. He recognizes his value relatively, according to the popular notions of society and many more things. Whoever makes him feel valuable or good he feels attraction towards him. His dependence on him keeps increasing with time if other person keeps making him feel good and valuable. The more dependent he is on other person the more severely he gets hurt when feeling of other person changes for him.
Every human being wants to feel secure. Secure in terms of physical facilities required and also in terms of emotional and mental security. Here I will talk about emotional and mental security. With whomsoever he feels emotionally and mentally secure, he start becoming dependent on him. Whoever makes him feel comfortable, secure, valuable he feels good with him. He feels valuable and secure with many more things also like his position, intellect, money he has etc. Whoever makes him feel less valuable for the thing for which he feels valuable he gets hurt. He start getting feeling of opposition for that person. He wants to get “up” from that person. It gives rise of a rat race which we already see.
The problem which comes here is, this feeling of security, comfort and being valuable which one tries to ensure from these things doesn’t ensure its certainty, consistency and continuity. One doesn’t recognize this fact that it is not able to ensure him continuity of feeling of security, so one keeps trying to ensure continuity of feeling of Security, Trust and Happiness from those things which can not ensure it. This is what becomes source of unhappiness, dissatisfaction in him.
Ultimately the whole issue boils down to understanding of one’s own absolute value, understanding what Security is, what Trust is, what Happiness is. Understanding one’s absolute value in existence is what is Trust, is what is Happiness.
Relationship in reality is free from all kind of Attachments. It is a kind of Unconditional Acceptance for other person. It is not because of something in other person. It is just Acceptance without any reason. This kind of feeling is what is Certain, Consistent and Continuous. When one starts recognizing his absolute value his dependence on recognizing his value on other person keeps decreasing. He starts loosing his fears. His Acceptance for other person start becoming more and more Unconditional. This is what is the way towards Happiness and Mutual Fulfillment in Relationships.
To understand Trust, Respect, Happiness, Acceptance, Relationships etc. we need Knowledge. Knowledge includes Knowledge of Self, Knowledge of Entire Existence and Knowledge of Natural Human Conduct.