Tag Archives: unhappy

IF YOU ARE NOT THERE IN MY MISSERY THEN DON’T BE THERE IN MY SUCCESS.

WHAT CAN YOU DO WHEN THE PERSON YOU LOVE BRAKES UP WITH YOU SEVERAL TIMES?

Don’t really DON’T feel hurt my dear.
DON’T develope rage. Don’t run behind.
And trust me: DON’T RUN BEHIND HIM.
It’s not worth it.

It will only run into a kind of game, were the roles are clearly devided. If you run behind him in order to convince him to come back, you actually honor him for his bad behaviour.
This was never clear to me. Just recently I figured that out.
It’s one of the worst mistakes you can do, because he things whatever he does, you will be available anyways. And this is fucking deathly.

I know you loved him. More than anything on this planet.
But give your love to the whole world.
Love universal.
Love life.
Be excited.
Be yourself.
You are good!

The person who brakes up with you many and many times is:
somebody who can not decide for his own sake and luck.
You will be made as responsible for the unhappyness inside him
till he decides to leave once more.

Give up the thinking.
Give up the love.
Give up the idea that he ever was your best friend.

Forget.
Forget.
Forget.

But never forget the Love of yourself.
You are brilliant.
You are beautyfull.

ATTACHMENT IS NOT RELATIONSHIP

Generally we feel that the more strong our Attachment is with other person more strong is our Relationship with that person, but in reality Attachment is not a Relationship.

Attachment always comes with fear. Fear of losing other person, fear of losing acceptance of other person, fear of decrement of feeling in other person for us. Attachment always demands a lot. When our demands are not fulfilled we get hurt and want other person to fulfill our demands on any cost. Attachment generates fear, hatred, jealousy and many other unfulfillable feelings in us, which makes us unhappy and we start making plans to become happy again in which we make others unhappy. We may not be aware of this negative side of attachment but yes it is there! It just need to be looked into. Attachment and Relationship can not go together.

Even a slight variation in feeling of other person hurts us. Attachment is nothing but dependence of our feeling for other person on other person’s behavior, feelings and thinking towards us. It is a kind of dependence. As soon as other person’s behavior, thinking, perception, feeling towards us shakes we get hurt. Our feeling for other person is always uncertain in this case. We always have a fear of uncertainty of other person’s feeling towards  us. We always keep trying to ensure continuity of feeling of assurance in other person for us, so that we are secure, we are happy, we feel related, we feel good. We are always disturbed about the uncertainty of other person’s feeling, thinking towards us, we are always in fear. Fear and feeling of Relationship can not go together. In some cases we see that this Attachment in us become so strong that when other person remains no longer same with us as he/she was before we are ready to even kill that person.

At the first place the question which comes is, why do we get Attached?

A human being by birth has this expectation of living with Happiness. He wants certainty, consistency and continuity of happiness. Due to lack of understanding of what Happiness is and how it can be ensured he searches, expects and tries to ensure its continuity in those things where it can not be ensured. Expectation of Happiness in a thing which can not ensure its Certainty, Consistency and Continuity is called Attachment.

A human being wants to live with Trust (Resolution in all the dimensions) in himself. This expectation of living with Trust in him is ever actively present. Trust in the Self is Happiness. Due to lack of Understanding of Trust in a human being his Trust in himself is dependent on others Trust in himself, his position, his money and things associated with him.Due to lack of understanding of this trust only he expects unconditional acceptance from others around. Acceptance of others around remains basis of the feeling of trust in himself.This dependence of this feeling of Trust in him on these things is what is called Attachment and this is the problem of all the human problems. Due to lack of understanding of Happiness and Trust only he expects consistency in others feelings, thinking, behavior towards him and when that is not ensured he gets hurt and then wants to hurt others.

Trust is understanding of one’s absolute value in oneself.

Due to lack of understanding of one’s own value in oneself one recognizes it with the help of others perception towards him, his position, his money, his bodily beauty, his power, his status, his intellect and many other aspects. He recognizes his value relatively, according to the popular notions of society and many more things. Whoever makes him feel valuable or good he feels attraction towards him. His dependence on him keeps increasing with time if other person keeps making him feel good and valuable. The more dependent he is on other person the more severely he gets hurt when feeling of other person changes for him.

Every human being wants to feel secure. Secure in terms of physical facilities required and also in terms of emotional and mental security. Here I will talk about emotional and mental security. With whomsoever he feels emotionally and mentally secure, he start becoming dependent on him. Whoever makes him feel comfortable, secure, valuable he feels good with him. He feels valuable and secure with many more things also like his position, intellect, money he has etc. Whoever makes him feel less valuable for the thing for which he feels valuable he gets hurt. He start getting feeling of opposition for that person. He wants to get “up” from that person. It gives rise of a rat race which we already see.

The problem which comes here is, this feeling of security, comfort and being valuable which one tries to ensure from these things doesn’t ensure its certainty, consistency and continuity. One doesn’t recognize this fact that it is not able to ensure him continuity of feeling of security, so one keeps trying to ensure continuity of feeling of Security, Trust and Happiness from those things which can not ensure it. This is what becomes source of unhappiness, dissatisfaction in him.

Ultimately the whole issue boils down to understanding of one’s own absolute value, understanding what Security is, what Trust is, what Happiness is. Understanding one’s absolute value in existence is what is Trust, is what is Happiness.

Relationship in reality is free from all kind of Attachments. It is a kind of Unconditional Acceptance for other person. It is not because of something in other person. It is just Acceptance without any reason. This kind of feeling is what is Certain, Consistent and Continuous. When one starts recognizing his absolute value his dependence on recognizing his value on other person keeps decreasing. He starts loosing his fears. His Acceptance for other person start becoming more and more Unconditional. This is what is the way towards Happiness and Mutual Fulfillment in Relationships.

To understand Trust, Respect, Happiness, Acceptance, Relationships etc. we need Knowledge. Knowledge includes Knowledge of Self, Knowledge of Entire Existence and Knowledge of Natural Human Conduct.

THE DANCE OF DUALITY

As long as we are shrouded in the illusion of separation, relationships can be a source of pain and conflict. Therefore they also constitute a path that can return us to our wholeness and perfection.

For all of us there are just two entities: I and the Other. This inconvenient Other is the source of all our pain, anger, misery, jealousy, revenge and yes, fleeting moments of joy and ecstacy. It appears that the shadow of the Other, looming large over us, obscures our access to peace, happiness, success, love, self-esteem, self-actualisation and so on.

What do we do with the Other? Is it possible to live in a state of zero conflict with them? Is it possible to be free and yet available to them? Can we fully be there for the Other without impoverishing ourselves? At the same time, how do we come out of their hold and stand firm and strong in our own ground? This is the cipher of human existence. The reason why we take birth again and again. To learn the supreme lesson of what to do with the Other. It is not for nothing that Jean Paul Sartre, the well-known French philosopher succinctly said, “Hell is other people.”

Instead veiled in the illusion of separation we have worn for lifetimes after lifetimes, we love, we hate, we laugh, we cry, we attach, detach, fight, and make up, we kill, give birth, we nurture, we destroy, we give, we take, we teach, we learn, we part, we come together.

There is great beauty in this dance of duality, but let’s face it, it is essentially unsatisfactory. We are pulled between I and the Other, sometimes pandering to their ego, getting pulled into their magnetic force, often forsaking our own needs, dignity or self-respect. Or else, we pander to our ego by pulling the Other into our magnetic sphere, forcing them to do what we want them to do, and rendering them into abject slaves. All relationships have power struggles that are often fought silently but to the death. The slippery art of balancing this pull between I and the Other is one of the key lessons that relationships teach us.

The relationship school begins at birth when we are born into a family. The family is the crucible of socialisation, and depending on the kind of family we are born into and the kind of nurturing we receive, we develop our patterns of relating to others. If we have been lucky enough to have been invested with good self-esteem, our relationships with others are more likely to be harmonious and less needy. However, no matter how ideal a family we may belong to, or how much self-esteem we have, as long as we labour under the illusion of duality, relationships will still be a source of pain and conflict. Yes, they are also a source of happiness, joy, security and love. But if we want to get to a state of absolute happiness, then we must cross the hurdle of the Other.

It is in man-woman relationships that the conflicts inherent in duality become most pronounced. The couple duels between physical, emotional and psychological needs for the other, the need to control the other and at the same time, forge a life together. It is the field of the most intense drama, the greatest of suffering and the most ecstatic moments of oneness. When couples get it right, they almost if not quite, tear the veil apart, or at any rate, rent it in places. When they do not, and mostly today they do not, the conflict can be savage.

Perhaps the relationship between mother and child is the one that comes closest to oneness, especially in the initial years when the child knows no separation and the mother willingly focuses on the welfare of her young. Even in later years, parents are usually willing to put the interest of their children ahead of theirs, but unfortunately often stoop to controlling and manipulating them too.

Whether at work, at home, in public or in private, we remain all too often at odds with other people.

So where does it all stop? The sages quite rightly say that because the Other is ultimately an illusion, the only way to come out of it is to go within; into our own inner world of thoughts, feelings, reactions, fantasies, traumas and so on. It is here that the journey of dissolution begins.

As we go deep within, we become better acquainted with ourselves. We discover the defenses behind which we hide our sense of inadequacy. We discover the many masks we don when in company with others and perhaps even with our own. We also see our tender emotions, often hid for fear of being hurt – the part of us that longs to connect, the part that is hungry for love.

For all of us there are just two entities: I and the Other. This inconvenient Other is the source of all our pain, anger, misery, jealousy, revenge and yes, fl eeting moments of joy and ecstacy.
We discover the shadow side we often do not own – our need to control and manipulate, or the parts that are greedy or lazy or covetous. On and on goes the discovery. This is perhaps the hardest part of the spiritual enterprise – to see ourselves fully and objectively. But if we do our spiritual practice faithfully, and that should definitely involve some aspect of loving and accepting ourselves, we will find an increasing capacity to accept all that we see.

The more we can accept, the more space we have for ourselves and that is when we make the astonishing discovery. The Other never really affected us. It was our reactions, feelings and thoughts that they brought up in us that we could not accept. If I can accept the anger the Other brings up in me, do I have a problem with the Other? If I can accept the lust the Other arouses in me, will I want to possess the Other? If I can accept the resistance I feel when the Other wants to manipulate me, will I allow myself to be manipulated? If I accept the loneliness I feel, will I long for the Other? If I accept my inadequacies, will I want to prop up my ego by putting down the Other?

The more we learn to love and accept ourselves, the more the dents and scratches, the scabs and wounds, the hurts and traumas of separation begin to heal. We take back the power that we had falsely invested in the Other. Compassionately, we refuse to support them in their need for control, manipulation, possession or otherwise, for they too are inherently whole. Our emotional, psychological and physical needs fall away. Strength, power, and self-reliance rise. We feel protean, capable of coping with any challenge that life throws at us. We stand before life, whole and perfect, open to all that comes our way.

However, those who are ready to discover their own selves will take their cues from us. They will seek out our company and when we give ourselves permission to be who we are, we give them the permission too.

Free of needs, we freely give and freely take. Relationships become full and joyous, vibrant with love and care. As we become more essential we focus more and more on the welfare of the other and through it discover an endless source of happiness. Conflict drops because what the Other wants we want also.

And so we learn to live in total freedom and yet in total engagement with the Other.